2018: The Year of Manifesting

2018.... started in the roughest way. I was on the side of the road ready to plan my exit to this world.

Let me explain why I was there. I was breaking down from all the stress life was giving, and at the time how much my anxiety was clouding what was really going on. With continual breakdowns through the holiday seasons, I finally got to a point that I wasn't able to justify why to continue. I was even sure that my daughter would be better off not having a mom who was loosing it. And, luckily before making the plans, I drove my ass to the Dr's. Shaking and crying the whole way I was holding on that last thread of the string. Halfway there the Dr called and told me to pull over to a safe place. I told him my whole hopeless story. That the job I thought I loved was overloading me, that I was losing it on my kid for trying to grow up and that I saw no hope of getting out of living in poverty. He told me we are going to start with adjusting my medication and in a couple weeks we will see next what we need to do. He, also, told me that it might be time to look for another career field.

I went home and rested. Letting the medication take the edge off the anxiety. As soon as I had strength and went back to work, I started working on finding out about my debt. Which i found out was paid off. That, infact, was paid off a month prior just no one told my job. It was like a huge brick left. And soon after that, doors flew open. I found out I could go back to school, and was offered a job in the medical field. So there is when life started to change.

I must say much of the changes would not have happened if I didn't surround myself with a group of woman who supported me and encouraged me even when I started stressing. They will always be sisters of my heart... my hive.

To make these changes work, I had to break some beliefs I had about myself. I had to find a new way to see those things blocking me from being all I am meant to be. So in digesting what all happened in 2018, here were the old beliefs that no longer have a place in my world:

* That I can't handle a full time job.
* That I was only good for business field.
* That I can't make enough money to have a good life.
* That I can't lose weight or ever feel healthy again.
* That I will never be able to enjoy the things I use to, because of my limitations with social anxiety.
* That I am not good enough.

Beyond those, the hardest thing I needed to do was learn to forgive myself. Forgive myself to get to a point that would leave so many hurt. Forgive myself for not loving myself enough and letting me get to the point of wanting to end it all. Forgive myself for expecting stuff out of me that no normal human could be. And then to turn around and love myself enough to start taking care of myself.

So I end this year, 20 lbs lighter, working as a patient registration full-time, going out on adventures each time I can with my amazing daughter, and living a life! This year truly was a year of manifesting and the universe was right next to me telling me to just trust her. That there is a plan she has and this is just the beginning. Thank you, thank you, thank you, my higher being! I have truly been overly blessed last year! I can't wait to see what next year has for me.

My Top 10 Empowering Songs!

Music has a way of moving our hearts, lifting our spirits, or helping us cry over a broken heart. Being someone who lived in a very dark place for many months now, I thought it's time to gather those songs that remind me to not give up. Those songs that make me take a stand for myself and for life. It is hard to believe that just a month ago I started fighting for life. I digress, because that is for a different blog.

  

I like to believe we all have that song or songs that empower us. Make us strong when we don't think we have anymore strength. The list I share today is a list of empowering songs that are helping me now and in the past. These songs are what ring true to the core of me; who I am and what my battles are. I rate these from 1 to 10, but this list is ever warping and changing. Also, remember this is a list of empowering songs. Not encouraging songs or inspirational. In picking this list, I really had to narrow it to one word. Being a music lover this list would have broke my heart if I tried to pin down all the greatest. Also, there are a couple singers who just bring empowering songs more than once. I did limit their entry to only one on the top ten, but trust me their other songs are no less empowering.

Soooo, here is the list.....

1. Fight Song by Rachel Platten https://goo.gl/wLyCh9

To be honest, this song has been the song for so many who have had to be stronger then we even thought we had. It rings truth to so many in so many different walks of life. I am no different, and it reminds me I do have the strength through the battle. I, also, find it encouraging when I think of those others who had this song as their anthem during their time of struggle. I am not alone!

2. Rise by Katy Perry https://goo.gl/cegDsz

What the Olympics theme song? Heck yea! Know any other place that the test of strength isn't just physical, but also spirit? Don't forget Whitney Houston also wrote an anthem for the Olympics that tells the story of strength and spirit. One Moment in Time (https://goo.gl/ni38WT) has a place on the list, but Whitney is someone who has many songs that belong on this list. Which reminds me, Rise isn't the only song Katy Perry wrote that should be on this list. Firework (https://goo.gl/U0IQJv) and Roar (https://goo.gl/Nw4nOQ) are other songs that have a place on a playlist of empowering songs.

3. I Believe I Can Fly by R Kelly https://goo.gl/yF2QWW

"If I just believe.." R Kelly rings out how we just need to have a little faith in ourselves. It is hard to see the strength when in the dark, so here is a song to remind us. We are stronger than we think, and here is a reminder. R Kelly is another great repeater with his song The World's Greatest (https://goo.gl/es5Fma.)

4. When You Believe by Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey  https://goo.gl/A4ak0X

Two powerhouse singers were needed to remind us to believe. That we can do amazing things when we just believe. As you already know, Whitney has a couple songs that belong on this list. As mentioned above, One Moment in Time is on the list. I feel Greatest Love of All (https://goo.gl/7NXgjN) also has a place in a list like this. Mariah Carey's Hero (https://goo.gl/UbhhJs) makes her also a repeat offender.

5. The Climb by Miley Cyrus https://goo.gl/Fr2pOu

I was a little shocked in myself when I finally said this song belonged on this list. Miley what?! But these words rang true to me when they first came out, and still do. I might slip or fall backwards, but I keep going. Get up and keep going! So yes, Miley, you're in my top 10!

6. Let it Go by Demi Lovato https://goo.gl/9sbFQh

Oh, I think I just felt some of you cringe. Yes, this song has been overplayed. My daughter made a good point though when I was sharing the list to her. The version that seems to be played a little too much is the movie. That Demi's really is the better song. But honest truth... who cares? "Let it go.." Oh sorry. But when you have been raised to be the very best, to be perfect, and that people are watching. You need a song like this to remind you.... to let it go! I do need to mention that Demi's Skyscraper (https://goo.gl/CbuVYH) needs an honorable mention.

7. It's My Life by Bon Jovi https://goo.gl/GMebk8

Is this song making my age shining through? Maybe. This song is a fight song for life no matter how old it is. Which makes this a classic empowering song. Some songs just don't lose their awesomeness. Big hair bands might be gone, but they always keep rocking.

8. Somewhere I Belong by Linkin Park https://goo.gl/9zdCDF

You go ahead, mosh away! "I want to heal. I want to feel." This phrase rings in my heart as I grow in strength. Linkin Park brings to life what is exactly how I feel when battling the demons. This would be the song to blast and just feel!

9. Beautiful by Christina Aguilera https://goo.gl/OAlNns

Words can be a hurtful thing, especially when they are your own to yourself. This song is for all the "I am not good enough" statements that repeat in my head. Even typing that brings those feeling to the surface, and is why this song is here. Christina actually has a few songs that are empowering and encouraging. Fighter (https://goo.gl/9XuF6O) is one of those songs.

10. Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield https://goo.gl/SLLx2q

If you were writing your story, what would it say? I want mine to be about strength and love. That I gave when I had nothing, and that I encouraged when I wasn't so confident myself. Natasha's song just reminds me that my story isn't done. I still have a story to finish. That each day I need to live how I want my story to read.

As you know, there are many more that should be on this list. Limiting down to even just the top 10 was really hard. Now, I want to hear what are your empowering songs! What gives you the strength when you don't think you have any. I also made a playlist on Youtube of these songs called Empower (https://goo.gl/bAfM1J). Please enjoy! I am sure to add more as time goes on. 

Back to Real Life

I want to say my taking a break from blogging was for a good reason. I wish the reason was life got so busy with exciting things. Or maybe, I found the love of my life like an annoying romance novel. Sadly, none of these are the reason. The truth would be a mix of social anxiety, and a detour on the path. 

The social anxiety really took a strong hold at the end of 2013 when I got pneumonia and bronchitis. I spent the holidays and a few months after alone. Too scared that my family or friends would catch it, I kept to myself watching one too many documentaries and every series I had on my que. Being extremely bored and lonely, I found myself interested in seeing how the world of IMVU was. 

For those of you who don't know what IMVU is, it is a virtual world where people can role-play or just enjoy meeting other people through avitar form. It is easier described as like WoW without the game. Or what I always say, "a glorified chat room." I enjoyed getting to decorate rooms, being able to play music for others to enjoy, and making my avitar a form of myself. It is all a fantasy, but a nice fantasy to live when seclusion was taking it's tole. 

Around April of 2014, I found out my brother passed away. It hit me harder then I expected. He was too young to take his life. I could feel his pain, because I too have fought the demons. His pain was real for me.  The feeling of being so lost that death was the only option. These feeling left me even more internal, and sure that no one would understand I found solus in IMVU. 

I finally got to a place where I thought I could breath again, but soon caught whooping cough instead. This was ugly and long. Coughing, puking and no controle of my body left me too weak to do much. This lasted for a couple months. Even when I thought I was getting better, it lingered for sometime after. I, again, hid away not wanting anyone else to catch this nasty illness. 

If you kept track, your realizing that we are into fall of 2014 now. I had come accustom to living in my home and never leaving. My friends and family stopped seeing me more and more. I even think they were kind of shocked when they did get to see me. Sadly, these interactions were hard for me as there was always an on going anxiety attack. 

I am not sure if it is the social anxiety or the fact that IMVU had become part of my real life that has me wondering how I got here. What I do know is that I want something more then making pretty cyber furniture and living a cyber life. But, it has been so long that I don't know what I want. I just know I NEED to get healthier and to live life to the fullest. Something I told myself I would do while mourning my brother's death. It might be two years later, but I am pretty sure it's never too late to keep that promise. Now if I could just figure out how to live a real life, and where to start. 

Knowing who you are...

No one knows who you are except yourself. This is basic knowledge, especially for those who work in helping people every day.

People's character is created from a nature/nurture process that is either enforced or worked on through this thing we call life. Yes, life is the Teacher, the Sculptor, and at time our Judge. Our trials and errors are the lessons we learn. Our wins and joys are our victories. And when we had to deal with truths, we are the only ones who have the right answer. No how to book, personality quiz or big wig councilor will ever have the answers we seek in knowing ourselves.

But you do. We all do have the answers to the question of "Who are you?" We just have to stop long enough to listen to OURSELVES. Stop asking is this or that OK to a friend. Stop waiting to hear that significant other to tell you your worth. And as a mother of a teenager, save your self and stop waiting for that validation.

In the last couple weeks while still battling my fight in this dark depression, I have had to ask myself. Who am I? And then i think of my past, the friends I have and (thought it hard to see right now) the story of my life still yet untold.

One thing I know without a doubt. I am strong. When i was told it couldn't be done, I showed how it could be. When I was told to give up, I got back up. When I had nothing left in life, I still pulled myself up from the ashes and became strong again.

With that strength, came a strong sense of compassion. I have a wall around my heart that comes from letting the wrong people in. But even with that wall, I am able to hear someone's cry and heart beat. I can feel that with them and be there for them. I am there for them with an encouraging word, shoulder to cry on or to blow steam at. This type of caring is seen as weak in our world today. Sadly, I think we need more of it. We are a large world, but we all speak the same language when it comes to our hearts.

I love beauty of all forms. Be it in a piece of art or music, in the spring flowers blooming, or just watching my daughter grow into a mature woman. This who I am.

And for those who know my path, I am a goddess. I am the sweetness of the maiden, the strength of the mother and i have the wisdom of the crone. I am the passion of the lover and heart of the peace maker.

We know who we are when we stop and listen. I know who I am even if others see it differently. One thing I do know are those who stopped to listen to my heart, because they know me without ever asking "Who are you?"

It has been a year....

Yea a year has passed since I got on the phone with my dear sister and cried, and asked for guidance as my only option running in my head wasn't one I could choose. It is one no one can choose, but I truly couldn't see my way out.

Before going into that day, we need to look even one year prior. The day that set my life in motion. The day where if life had ever pulled the rug from under my feet and then just let me fall...This was that moment.

Life was go as far as I could see it. My kid was doing well, I had a great job that that I loved, and college was going great. The bipolar wasn't having many issues, and I was living a healthy active social life. I had a car with large payments, but everything else made it possible not to worry. My home was a great little town house with loud neighbors who were there for your kids if anything happened while at work. And this particular year, we were finally going to celebrate my daughter's birthday in no other place than Disneyland. (She never got to celebrate her birthday except for a small family dinner for two, because money was always too tight to celebrate.)

October 4, 2011 was the day I realized I wasn't going to get my Social Security check. Unknown to me, they had flagged me for working too many hours through Sears. Which in hindsight, was the truth. They were hours that got lost in confusion of keeping my job and where does the date of regulating ends or starts. With no notice of the ending of my main income, I wasn't able to afford my apartment or make car payments. With the promise that there would be more hours at work with me being able to work full time now, I tried to make ends meet. But the promise of hours weren't normally there. It at times was worse than even 20 hours. So I slowly started to lose things... my home, moving into a neighborhood that it wasn't safe for my daughter, and things got hard for her at school. We got to a point where I only had money for rent, food, or gas. And because of that, we went without electricity for a month. Collector's for the car were no longer just calling, but threatening me at work. And as time passed, they finally took the car.

I truly thought if I kept fighting: Keep looking for a better job, keep trying to have Social Security to see the mistake, or just keep going to make sure things meet. The fight of a Goddess would make everything right, but finally got to the point that I had to wait on Social Security to take what i gave in paperwork and figure things out. This while still calling to keep reminding them the importance. Also, I was continually trying for one job after another in Sears and other options with no results and lots of promises. So I stopped.... I stopped fighting and found myself slipping.

This is where you will find me back on the phone with my sister. "I can't hold on anymore." Without a second thought, my sister was telling me to get home where my family can help. That I can stay with her if needed. I was leery of only a few seconds and then realized that it was the only option. I still had obligations, and decided to finish with those first. And with what free time I had, started prepping for the move.

During this time, I went back to Social Security and let them know I couldn't hold down my job anymore and how much of a chance can I get back on. It wasn't an issue except for the paperwork. I also made plans where I could. With no car or money yet, this was limited. Through assistance of my mom, we were able to get a small moving truck and a little for gas.

I found this time to be at peace with where I was. Stopping a lot to remind myself things were ok just as they are. In the middle of chaos, I was where I was supposed to be, and that I would be able to make it.

There were a few friends who were there for me when i needed a good cry, but mostly I was on my own. It could have been because I needed to ask for help. But there was another side of me, who felt they would have been annoyed and frustrated not understanding. I didn't want pity, and I wasn't will to let other's use my needs as a sign of some kind of weakness. Instead, I bottled it for my own self to deal with.

When the final day came to move, we packed everything we could for the limited space and number of muscles assisting. This meant that some furniture was left behind, but we were happy with the essentials that made it. It was time to start over.

Since then, life has been a growing process. Learning to ask for help when PTSD or ego wanted to stop me for doing otherwise. Letting myself trust again in my family and friends. Learning to be open to both love and opportunities. I am far from where I was, and yet I am still learning. Learning to have a healthy life. I really didn't know what this year was going to bring, but I am glad it was filled with blessings.

Open Mouth Insert Foot

There is this phase in depression that is caused from low energy where what you say isn't what you mean. This tongue tied twister happens to everyone no matter if they have a mental set back or not. I use this knowledge by saying "Oops, I didn't mean that." The problem is when you have the problems topple on top of each other. And so, here is what is going on when someone with Bipolar is continually saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

There is a time in the low swing where everything moves slower. You're walking, you're talking, and even your thinking is in a different speed. You know those movies where everything is going VERY slow? Yea, that is the head and the energy of this physical depression. What is biologically going on when "open mouth insert foot" is something like a cause and effect gone wrong. First, there is a conversation going on or you have something to say. Your brain is telling you what to say, and mouth opens to say what the brain is saying. Because your brain is going slower than normal, your mouth keeps moving and words come out that never were even meant or known why they were said. With the brain too busy trying to make a complete thought, there is no filter to stop these other rambling words or phrase from passing your lips. Once your brain has stopped processing the thought, it now has time to process what you said. Yep and then the brain says, "Oh fuck!" It now knows only one way to fix it, and that is to admit the stupidity.

So when we are among people, we must communicate. It is the reason we gather with each other, and why we love being with each other. Sharing thoughts, laughter, and feelings is all part of being in this society. Many of the times I seem to mess up the most is with friends, because I just want to be part of their lives. I am sure in times of my past this foot in mouth might have been the cause of many issues, some hurts, and some break ups. And at times, I have said sorry when I knew it happened. And there are times, I don't even know what happened. I just hope they know they were someone who touched my life. And that if it was from something I said, I always hope that they are able to forgive me since a sorry would have quickly been given. 

The poison of this situation is when someone strongly believes that there must have been some truth in what I was saying. Because they have a limited viewpoint, they can't see the honest limitation I had. Or see how truly sorry I was. I sadly can't change that, and can't blame them for feeling validated in their feelings. Sadly, I have lost friends for this also. 

For some time this summer, I have had this return of "foot in mouth". I want the friends this has affected to know THANK YOU!!!! It is always amazing in my life when friends don't need reasons for mess ups. They just want to know you are sorry and go on with life. You guys are amazing. 

As for now, I am hoping the new medication will help bring back my energy. I am ready for this slow motion movie to come to an end. 

I Can't Concentrate!

I can't concentrate!

Oh did you say something?

Look another project half done.

I need to leave for another pointless errand.

I can't concentrate!

Even this poem will never be done....

When there is so much to say....

It has been sometime since there was a blog. It isn't from a lack of wanting to, but more that I am not sure where or what of the many things to say. There is the new medication, what it is like to date with bipolar, and the times when everyone hates you. But none of these subjects can I come to full comprehension. Not enough to complete a blog about it.

So I digress. At this time of life, it is like flying at the seat of my pants.  Not sure what the next day will bring. I either forget what I have planned, get too tired to do anything or have no ability to concentrate on the tasks to follow through. It is like losing my purpose in life or having the wind knocked out. I believe this is one of the ways manic looks like. It is that part of the roller coaster that scares me the most. Many bipolar people go off medication during this phase to ride the high. But instead, I cringe and hate the feeling of not being in control. I just know in the end... the higher I go up, the lower I fall. This isn't a fate a normal person would want. 

When the Door is Your Enemy

Those who don't understand how crippling depression can leave someone will find what I am going to talk about as being silly. Leaving the house is just one foot in front of another, right? Yea, no! Or at least not when your body is fighting your every action.

It didn't even phase me that my "not wanting to leave the house" was the side effect of the depression.  I didn't ever feel depressed, why would I think of that. This where I remind you there is a difference of feeling depressed and having physical depression, and why it isn't the first thing I think of.  

I did go out into the dark scary world as motherly and sisterly support with not realizing I was sliding down the hill. This happened to see my sister's art and daughter's play. Both times, I realised that even though I was happy and proud.... I was crawling in my skin completely uncomfortable. A good way to explain this would be to imagine that time when your in a room with lots of people but feel alone. Then you add stomach getting irritated,  hard to breath, mouth clutching, and heart racing at times. A constant fight or flight feeling. Or otherwise known as an anxiety attack.

I did finally call the doctor on Monday where I was advised my going up on the lamotrigine. If you remember from a previous blog, going up only made me an irritable bitch. Since the other option makes me a zombie, I am hoping he is correct and taking his advice. The Doctor's feelings are that I might have been dealing with more stress then I realized.  We will see.

I have been on the upper dose for three days now. And though the irritating bitch hasn't come back, my anxiety of leaving the house hasn't left. I have left the house though. I pushed myself out the door to my mother's the other day and went to the grocery store yesterday. On my walk to my parent's, I found that only a block and my body felt like a lead block. It was hard to move on and felt like my body was fighting it. Then yesterday at the grocery store, I would by-pass whole aisles that had too many people or just looked too stressful. If it wasn't for the need to eat, I would have stayed home.

As for things I missed out on, it breaks my heart. Last night, my daughter missed her Eighth grade dance. It was too hard for me to process the idea that I could have walked her to the school, grabbed coffee at the local coffee shop and then walked her back after it was all done. Logical thought, but far from reach at the moment.  I missed another sister's last performance of the year, and I missed out on getting to enjoy a free ticket to a Shakespeare play. Normally there would be nothing stopping me from going, and really hated that I did. To make my mom feel i was ok, I laughed it off and said "There is always next year."

So today, I have my daughter's graduation from Eighth grade. I want to say I am excited to see this. She has become an amazing young lady. But instead, I will be preparing myself to get ready and deal with being sardines in a gym in an uncomfortable chair. Today of all days, I truly wished I could just "snap out" of it as hearing those who have said it before ring in my head. 

**I, also, wanted to say thank you for those read and support this blog. It is wonderful to see so many wanting to know more and to educate others. It is also a lovely reminder that I have you guys when I go through days like today. So, thank you.

The Joy of Medication (part two)

So yea, she is back. Irritable bitch who can't do anything because my mind was racing a thousand miles with no energy to do anything. Let me say... when I am in this state, I have learned to not really be a social butterfly. Trying to buckle myself in for school was hard enough.

I went back to the doctor, on my regular scheduled appointment three weeks after starting and two weeks of living as a bitch. I explained the situation that I cannot go on like this. I would rather go without medication even though I know that wasn't an option.  I was just not ok with hurting others.  I deal with my own battles, and no one else should have to.

While on the conversation, we mentioned the 15 lbs weight gain that happened over the month. I know this sounds odd, but I wish I could say it was from lack of exercise and eating. It would make the weight gain easier if it was. But, I had started walking every other day to pick my daughter up from play practice, started drowning myself in water, and eating healthier from lack of options around the college. What really made the doctor realize the issue was when I mentioned I use to be 180 before even starting the Lamotragin.

The doctor gave me a couple options, but he wanted me to start trying Ziprasidone while lowering my Lamotragin.  He gave me some side effects to keep an eye out for about blood pressure, but mostly the others will subside in a couple days. I was OK with it all, and left with hope that we might have found something new.

A week later on a Friday night, I find out that this isn't going to be that easy. I had just gotten the new medication and popped a pill down right before bed. Within a few minutes, I was knocked out cold. This wouldn't be such a bad thing as sleeping is one of my biggest issue. It is the waking up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, and instead find your self leaning on the wall from a spinning dizzy episode. I was still spinning after making myself erect, and had to slowly walk back to the bed while still propping myself up on the wall. Scary, to say the lease, when you have no control on what your body is doing. 

The next morning, or should I say afternoon, I woke to find that my body wasn't going to do much of anything. It was like gravity was winning in getting the battle of who had control of my body. I got up to help with something, and found myself fall on the stairs from becoming dizzy. This continued for two days when i finally said "no more". I put the Ziprasidone on the shelf, and decided we will visit this again. For now, I had homework and a daughter to take care of. 

Side note: I was and am still taking Lamotragin at the lower dosage. Also, after talking to the doctor this week, we have both agreed to wait tell I am done with this quarter. Also, don't ever just stop medication without consulting your doctor. Many drugs can cause side effects that put you in the hospital if not tapered off correctly. As for now, I am stable. 

The Joy of Medication ( part one)

They don't say finding the right mix of medication is easy as pie. No far from it. In fact, the sling is "finding the right cocktail." A week ago I had an experience that reminded me why I get so scared when I am told I need a new medication. Every horror story where the person becomes a zombie or lunatic runs through my head. So why would I be open to trying something new?

For the last two years, the medication I was using just wasn't cutting it. I started fighting a physical depression and anxiety attacks. I didn't even really know what was going on tell my physical body could barely move from the depression physical depression. The VA Dr. in Sacramento tried to up the medication, but found it just made me a hot mess. She then added Lorazapam for the anxiety attack. I don't remember this really helping, but it did ease some of the pain. But in the long run, it stopped even doing that probably a year later.

Flash forward... I am here in Oregon, been seeing a great doctor who is very logical, and has me dialog many of my ups and downs. First thing he did was take me off the Lorazapam. he explained this should have never been part of my daily bases. More just to be used when the anxiety attacks where active. He then explained that he found it really isn't what bipolar people are needing for anxiety attacks. He wanted me to try a larger amount of the Lamotragin. What! Wait! But what about "hot mess"? She makes a lot of havoc in my life and i was just getting settled. It was explained that this was normal for the first few weeks, and he would bet that I just didn't wait long enough. 

He was right, until we went to full dose. >.< It was like oh wow I feel like i can breath and clear headed. It was like this for a month. I still had struggles, but all in all I was thinking we might have hit something.

AND THEN SNAP! 

She came out raging out of control. 

To be continued...

The Red Umbrella

This is just something I created for my business computer class. I call it The Red Umbrella. And for those of us who are BiPolar and have learned get past the bumps, this is probably a phrase we live by. During the hard time and when I know it is me rolling down, I dance! Sometime literally and sometimes figuratively. Dance.... I encourage everyone to dance no matter what they are facing. 

When it rains, it pours.

"When it rains it pours" is the way my life sometime falls. Now do I feel my disability is an excuse for half the shit I have to deal with? No, but it doesn't help any either. When a road block happens in my life, I freeze. I find every way either not to deal with it, find the fastest way to deal with it, or hide and become self absorbed. These all have weird ways of never getting the job done right.

Not dealing with the issue is sometimes the easiest. If dealt with, things might come up that I need even more work with. Why put myself in a conflict situation? Why put myself in that kind of stress if just letting it go seems the best way to deal? It is so easily flows from many with "Let go and let God" or for us pagans "Let go and let Goddess." It is kind of a fluffy feel good way of dealing with stuff. But the truth is, sometimes things can't be ignored. The issue will still be there when you wake-up and are forced to deal with it.

Ok so if I can't ignore it, then what is the fastest way to make this end. It's the plow over mode, and is usually when I try to use my anger and great arguing techniques to get what I want. Only because deep down I don't want to deal with conflict; not because i really don't like the person. unfortunately this usually leaves some kind of mess.

The truth is deep down finding a hole and hiding in there is so much more comfortable. Try to pretend like there isn't an issue. Beat myself up as I find the issue becomes so complex that I can't see a way out. This spirals to a feeling lose, confusion, and a huge amount of self doubt. This is when I hear the voice of doubt say "see it will never work out", "you will always be a fuck-up", or "life will never be what you want".

Where and why have I become like this, you ask? Each day takes energy to work, to study, to keep straight in life. When dealing with depression or manic, I have come to realize that if I want to make it to the end of the day there needs to be a concern of where I put all that energy. Stress, especially extreme stress, can eat up all that energy and so my daughter and the rest of my responsibilities get left behind.

So here I am, trying not to hide.

PS... This post has nothing to do with the beautiful festival that others are totally helping with. I just had some parts of my personal life fall apart. :) 

Just Folding Clothes

Yesterday, I was waiting for a tow truck. (Yes, the new car is having issues and finally broke down when I had money.) So while waiting, I decided to be productive and attack the pile of clothing on my couch. It was a shirt. Just one shirt... fold one... fold two... put on couch. My arms became lead and thinking of pushing through the fatigue was too stressful with everything else going on.

This is no biggy for a normal person, but it tears me apart not being able to finish a basic activity as folding clothes. I even remember a time when clothes folding was my place of Zen. The processes of folding clothes and not required to think of anything but breathing and folding made the task easy to meditate in the presence.

Even with the stress of the car, I was in a good place. A dear friend was there to support me in getting the car stuff done and just enjoying each others company. So why the physical reaction? Well for the last couple of months I have realized that I have been dealing with a slow spiral down with physical depression. Folding clothes is just the basic of them all. I'll get spurts of energy, so I didn't realize how exhausted I had become by just doing everyday stuff.

The hardest part is I know what I need to do to be able to have that energy again. It's exercise, but the irony is I have no energy to do even that. Can you imagine trying to walk if I can't even finish folding a pile of clothes? Yea. :S

I did go to the doctor two months ago for medication change, since I knew I was off. But unfortunately the medication had an adverse reaction with my body. I will be hitting the pavement for another kind come Monday. But until then, I have to work through everything.

My blessings right now.... I don't have school, so I am able to only have to worry about work, my car, and my daughter starting her first year of Jr. High.

  

Namaste to all you wonderful readers.

Welcome...

Well, hi. So yea, I'm Bi-polar. No one would know if they first met me. I have a job that I have had for 4 years, I have a well adjusted kid, live on my own and pay my own bills. Oh and did we mention I have been going to school and a single parent? It is alot. At times, it is too much. But being someone just meeting me, you would still never know that on top of all that I have a mental condition that effects me day in and day out.

I was diagnosed Bi-polar soon after giving birth to a beautiful daughter. As normal, their first thought was postpartum depression. This was quickly fixed when they realized the medication was creating me to be an irritable bitch. My poor husband at the time. I am sure at some point he felt like he was loosing his mind too. So once I was diagnosed BP, I was put through 4 years of medication adjustment. At one point, I was taking four different kinds, because each to help the side effect of another. Through that time of no sleep, too much sleep, feeling worse, not feeling at all, or spending money like it was water, I ended up in a psych-ward three times.

Wow, there I said it. There are people who are really close to me who didn't even know that, but I have to be completely honest here. Why? Because you can't possibly understand what things go on to someone with Bi-polar if I don't tell the stuff I try to keep even from myself. This was part of the ugly.

Finally after a divorce and the ending of an engagement with a second guy, I stopped all my medication. And yep, all the confusion in my head just went away. I learned many more holistic ways of healing myself. The biggest being just take time to take care of myself. (You'll find out in a different post this isn't always so easy.) I moved to Ashland, OR to finally be close to my family again, and really got my shit together. My daughter lived with her father, so it was pretty easy going to school and take care of myself. After about two years, anxiety started controlling my life again. It took me three visits before I realized the nurse I was blessed with knew exactly what she was doing and really did care. So I went back on medication. Slowly and on a very low dosage.

I have been on this same medication for about 5 years now, and am just now going back for an adjustment.

So this is my story, there will be more to come. More details, more feelings, and hopefully for both the readers and I a clearer idea of what is going on to those who deal with this diagnoses everyday. I am hoping to use other's stories as time goes on, since one perspective never gives a fully rounded view. I also want it noted that I have studied mental illness in both a hobby format and in college, since psychology is an interesting complex study just ready for all the questions I have. I am no expert! And no where will I say I am. Nor will I ever diagnose or tell you what you should do. And more then anything, I believe we should all become fully informed, but also know that Doctors do have our best interest in mind.

I also encourage others to post, but there are limits. This isn't an open forum, so criticism is limited. But support is always encouraged. In a way this is a safe haven. I will be opening up thoughts and feelings that i keep under a VERY BIG LOCK, and I want others to know they are safe to do the same.

So, Welcome.... this should be interesting. Oh and ps... I know I am rusty in my sentence flow, so please be forgiving. :D