When the Door is Your Enemy

Those who don't understand how crippling depression can leave someone will find what I am going to talk about as being silly. Leaving the house is just one foot in front of another, right? Yea, no! Or at least not when your body is fighting your every action.

It didn't even phase me that my "not wanting to leave the house" was the side effect of the depression.  I didn't ever feel depressed, why would I think of that. This where I remind you there is a difference of feeling depressed and having physical depression, and why it isn't the first thing I think of.  

I did go out into the dark scary world as motherly and sisterly support with not realizing I was sliding down the hill. This happened to see my sister's art and daughter's play. Both times, I realised that even though I was happy and proud.... I was crawling in my skin completely uncomfortable. A good way to explain this would be to imagine that time when your in a room with lots of people but feel alone. Then you add stomach getting irritated,  hard to breath, mouth clutching, and heart racing at times. A constant fight or flight feeling. Or otherwise known as an anxiety attack.

I did finally call the doctor on Monday where I was advised my going up on the lamotrigine. If you remember from a previous blog, going up only made me an irritable bitch. Since the other option makes me a zombie, I am hoping he is correct and taking his advice. The Doctor's feelings are that I might have been dealing with more stress then I realized.  We will see.

I have been on the upper dose for three days now. And though the irritating bitch hasn't come back, my anxiety of leaving the house hasn't left. I have left the house though. I pushed myself out the door to my mother's the other day and went to the grocery store yesterday. On my walk to my parent's, I found that only a block and my body felt like a lead block. It was hard to move on and felt like my body was fighting it. Then yesterday at the grocery store, I would by-pass whole aisles that had too many people or just looked too stressful. If it wasn't for the need to eat, I would have stayed home.

As for things I missed out on, it breaks my heart. Last night, my daughter missed her Eighth grade dance. It was too hard for me to process the idea that I could have walked her to the school, grabbed coffee at the local coffee shop and then walked her back after it was all done. Logical thought, but far from reach at the moment.  I missed another sister's last performance of the year, and I missed out on getting to enjoy a free ticket to a Shakespeare play. Normally there would be nothing stopping me from going, and really hated that I did. To make my mom feel i was ok, I laughed it off and said "There is always next year."

So today, I have my daughter's graduation from Eighth grade. I want to say I am excited to see this. She has become an amazing young lady. But instead, I will be preparing myself to get ready and deal with being sardines in a gym in an uncomfortable chair. Today of all days, I truly wished I could just "snap out" of it as hearing those who have said it before ring in my head. 

**I, also, wanted to say thank you for those read and support this blog. It is wonderful to see so many wanting to know more and to educate others. It is also a lovely reminder that I have you guys when I go through days like today. So, thank you.