It has been sometime since there was a blog. It isn't from a lack of wanting to, but more that I am not sure where or what of the many things to say. There is the new medication, what it is like to date with bipolar, and the times when everyone hates you. But none of these subjects can I come to full comprehension. Not enough to complete a blog about it.
So I digress. At this time of life, it is like flying at the seat of my pants. Not sure what the next day will bring. I either forget what I have planned, get too tired to do anything or have no ability to concentrate on the tasks to follow through. It is like losing my purpose in life or having the wind knocked out. I believe this is one of the ways manic looks like. It is that part of the roller coaster that scares me the most. Many bipolar people go off medication during this phase to ride the high. But instead, I cringe and hate the feeling of not being in control. I just know in the end... the higher I go up, the lower I fall. This isn't a fate a normal person would want.
I am not bipolar but suffer from depression. I can relate to the roller coaster feeling and wanting to quit meds (which I have done several times). I too hate feeling like I am not in control of my life. It's difficult when people in your life do not understand, but how could they if they've never experienced it themselves. Hang in there :)
ReplyDeleteIt is hard when they don't. It is like banging your head on a wall. lol But got to say, I have been noticing you are feeling better through your videos. Girl, I like you more every day, so strong and beautiful. Keep believing it, even on the rough days.
ReplyDeleteWhat sucks is when you are no longer in control and there is nothing you can do about it. For the last month I've played with my meds the way my dr said I could and I just start to get things under control and life throws me another curve ball and I fly out of control again. It's like the never ending yo-yo this month with pit falls, boogy (wo)men, and lowest self esteem ever all mixed with extreme highs. Being productive one day a week is not working for me. It's effecting everything around me, including the people that I'm with.
ReplyDeleteAmanda, _hugs from too far away_ I miss you dearly and your family. Maybe it's time to talk to your doctor. I remember a time when I had fooled mine into thinking I had my shit together, and she too said well just take less of this when you are this way and more during this time. IT DOESN'T work. Because by the time you realise "oh I should lower it", it is already time to go back to normal dosage. It's like playing with fire. And this doesn't help with hard things seem harder. At least ask the Doctor if this fluxuating the medication is affecting some of your coping ability.
DeleteGive hugs and love to your loved ones for me. :)