It has been a year....

Yea a year has passed since I got on the phone with my dear sister and cried, and asked for guidance as my only option running in my head wasn't one I could choose. It is one no one can choose, but I truly couldn't see my way out.

Before going into that day, we need to look even one year prior. The day that set my life in motion. The day where if life had ever pulled the rug from under my feet and then just let me fall...This was that moment.

Life was go as far as I could see it. My kid was doing well, I had a great job that that I loved, and college was going great. The bipolar wasn't having many issues, and I was living a healthy active social life. I had a car with large payments, but everything else made it possible not to worry. My home was a great little town house with loud neighbors who were there for your kids if anything happened while at work. And this particular year, we were finally going to celebrate my daughter's birthday in no other place than Disneyland. (She never got to celebrate her birthday except for a small family dinner for two, because money was always too tight to celebrate.)

October 4, 2011 was the day I realized I wasn't going to get my Social Security check. Unknown to me, they had flagged me for working too many hours through Sears. Which in hindsight, was the truth. They were hours that got lost in confusion of keeping my job and where does the date of regulating ends or starts. With no notice of the ending of my main income, I wasn't able to afford my apartment or make car payments. With the promise that there would be more hours at work with me being able to work full time now, I tried to make ends meet. But the promise of hours weren't normally there. It at times was worse than even 20 hours. So I slowly started to lose things... my home, moving into a neighborhood that it wasn't safe for my daughter, and things got hard for her at school. We got to a point where I only had money for rent, food, or gas. And because of that, we went without electricity for a month. Collector's for the car were no longer just calling, but threatening me at work. And as time passed, they finally took the car.

I truly thought if I kept fighting: Keep looking for a better job, keep trying to have Social Security to see the mistake, or just keep going to make sure things meet. The fight of a Goddess would make everything right, but finally got to the point that I had to wait on Social Security to take what i gave in paperwork and figure things out. This while still calling to keep reminding them the importance. Also, I was continually trying for one job after another in Sears and other options with no results and lots of promises. So I stopped.... I stopped fighting and found myself slipping.

This is where you will find me back on the phone with my sister. "I can't hold on anymore." Without a second thought, my sister was telling me to get home where my family can help. That I can stay with her if needed. I was leery of only a few seconds and then realized that it was the only option. I still had obligations, and decided to finish with those first. And with what free time I had, started prepping for the move.

During this time, I went back to Social Security and let them know I couldn't hold down my job anymore and how much of a chance can I get back on. It wasn't an issue except for the paperwork. I also made plans where I could. With no car or money yet, this was limited. Through assistance of my mom, we were able to get a small moving truck and a little for gas.

I found this time to be at peace with where I was. Stopping a lot to remind myself things were ok just as they are. In the middle of chaos, I was where I was supposed to be, and that I would be able to make it.

There were a few friends who were there for me when i needed a good cry, but mostly I was on my own. It could have been because I needed to ask for help. But there was another side of me, who felt they would have been annoyed and frustrated not understanding. I didn't want pity, and I wasn't will to let other's use my needs as a sign of some kind of weakness. Instead, I bottled it for my own self to deal with.

When the final day came to move, we packed everything we could for the limited space and number of muscles assisting. This meant that some furniture was left behind, but we were happy with the essentials that made it. It was time to start over.

Since then, life has been a growing process. Learning to ask for help when PTSD or ego wanted to stop me for doing otherwise. Letting myself trust again in my family and friends. Learning to be open to both love and opportunities. I am far from where I was, and yet I am still learning. Learning to have a healthy life. I really didn't know what this year was going to bring, but I am glad it was filled with blessings.

Open Mouth Insert Foot

There is this phase in depression that is caused from low energy where what you say isn't what you mean. This tongue tied twister happens to everyone no matter if they have a mental set back or not. I use this knowledge by saying "Oops, I didn't mean that." The problem is when you have the problems topple on top of each other. And so, here is what is going on when someone with Bipolar is continually saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

There is a time in the low swing where everything moves slower. You're walking, you're talking, and even your thinking is in a different speed. You know those movies where everything is going VERY slow? Yea, that is the head and the energy of this physical depression. What is biologically going on when "open mouth insert foot" is something like a cause and effect gone wrong. First, there is a conversation going on or you have something to say. Your brain is telling you what to say, and mouth opens to say what the brain is saying. Because your brain is going slower than normal, your mouth keeps moving and words come out that never were even meant or known why they were said. With the brain too busy trying to make a complete thought, there is no filter to stop these other rambling words or phrase from passing your lips. Once your brain has stopped processing the thought, it now has time to process what you said. Yep and then the brain says, "Oh fuck!" It now knows only one way to fix it, and that is to admit the stupidity.

So when we are among people, we must communicate. It is the reason we gather with each other, and why we love being with each other. Sharing thoughts, laughter, and feelings is all part of being in this society. Many of the times I seem to mess up the most is with friends, because I just want to be part of their lives. I am sure in times of my past this foot in mouth might have been the cause of many issues, some hurts, and some break ups. And at times, I have said sorry when I knew it happened. And there are times, I don't even know what happened. I just hope they know they were someone who touched my life. And that if it was from something I said, I always hope that they are able to forgive me since a sorry would have quickly been given. 

The poison of this situation is when someone strongly believes that there must have been some truth in what I was saying. Because they have a limited viewpoint, they can't see the honest limitation I had. Or see how truly sorry I was. I sadly can't change that, and can't blame them for feeling validated in their feelings. Sadly, I have lost friends for this also. 

For some time this summer, I have had this return of "foot in mouth". I want the friends this has affected to know THANK YOU!!!! It is always amazing in my life when friends don't need reasons for mess ups. They just want to know you are sorry and go on with life. You guys are amazing. 

As for now, I am hoping the new medication will help bring back my energy. I am ready for this slow motion movie to come to an end. 

I Can't Concentrate!

I can't concentrate!

Oh did you say something?

Look another project half done.

I need to leave for another pointless errand.

I can't concentrate!

Even this poem will never be done....

When there is so much to say....

It has been sometime since there was a blog. It isn't from a lack of wanting to, but more that I am not sure where or what of the many things to say. There is the new medication, what it is like to date with bipolar, and the times when everyone hates you. But none of these subjects can I come to full comprehension. Not enough to complete a blog about it.

So I digress. At this time of life, it is like flying at the seat of my pants.  Not sure what the next day will bring. I either forget what I have planned, get too tired to do anything or have no ability to concentrate on the tasks to follow through. It is like losing my purpose in life or having the wind knocked out. I believe this is one of the ways manic looks like. It is that part of the roller coaster that scares me the most. Many bipolar people go off medication during this phase to ride the high. But instead, I cringe and hate the feeling of not being in control. I just know in the end... the higher I go up, the lower I fall. This isn't a fate a normal person would want. 

When the Door is Your Enemy

Those who don't understand how crippling depression can leave someone will find what I am going to talk about as being silly. Leaving the house is just one foot in front of another, right? Yea, no! Or at least not when your body is fighting your every action.

It didn't even phase me that my "not wanting to leave the house" was the side effect of the depression.  I didn't ever feel depressed, why would I think of that. This where I remind you there is a difference of feeling depressed and having physical depression, and why it isn't the first thing I think of.  

I did go out into the dark scary world as motherly and sisterly support with not realizing I was sliding down the hill. This happened to see my sister's art and daughter's play. Both times, I realised that even though I was happy and proud.... I was crawling in my skin completely uncomfortable. A good way to explain this would be to imagine that time when your in a room with lots of people but feel alone. Then you add stomach getting irritated,  hard to breath, mouth clutching, and heart racing at times. A constant fight or flight feeling. Or otherwise known as an anxiety attack.

I did finally call the doctor on Monday where I was advised my going up on the lamotrigine. If you remember from a previous blog, going up only made me an irritable bitch. Since the other option makes me a zombie, I am hoping he is correct and taking his advice. The Doctor's feelings are that I might have been dealing with more stress then I realized.  We will see.

I have been on the upper dose for three days now. And though the irritating bitch hasn't come back, my anxiety of leaving the house hasn't left. I have left the house though. I pushed myself out the door to my mother's the other day and went to the grocery store yesterday. On my walk to my parent's, I found that only a block and my body felt like a lead block. It was hard to move on and felt like my body was fighting it. Then yesterday at the grocery store, I would by-pass whole aisles that had too many people or just looked too stressful. If it wasn't for the need to eat, I would have stayed home.

As for things I missed out on, it breaks my heart. Last night, my daughter missed her Eighth grade dance. It was too hard for me to process the idea that I could have walked her to the school, grabbed coffee at the local coffee shop and then walked her back after it was all done. Logical thought, but far from reach at the moment.  I missed another sister's last performance of the year, and I missed out on getting to enjoy a free ticket to a Shakespeare play. Normally there would be nothing stopping me from going, and really hated that I did. To make my mom feel i was ok, I laughed it off and said "There is always next year."

So today, I have my daughter's graduation from Eighth grade. I want to say I am excited to see this. She has become an amazing young lady. But instead, I will be preparing myself to get ready and deal with being sardines in a gym in an uncomfortable chair. Today of all days, I truly wished I could just "snap out" of it as hearing those who have said it before ring in my head. 

**I, also, wanted to say thank you for those read and support this blog. It is wonderful to see so many wanting to know more and to educate others. It is also a lovely reminder that I have you guys when I go through days like today. So, thank you.

The Joy of Medication (part two)

So yea, she is back. Irritable bitch who can't do anything because my mind was racing a thousand miles with no energy to do anything. Let me say... when I am in this state, I have learned to not really be a social butterfly. Trying to buckle myself in for school was hard enough.

I went back to the doctor, on my regular scheduled appointment three weeks after starting and two weeks of living as a bitch. I explained the situation that I cannot go on like this. I would rather go without medication even though I know that wasn't an option.  I was just not ok with hurting others.  I deal with my own battles, and no one else should have to.

While on the conversation, we mentioned the 15 lbs weight gain that happened over the month. I know this sounds odd, but I wish I could say it was from lack of exercise and eating. It would make the weight gain easier if it was. But, I had started walking every other day to pick my daughter up from play practice, started drowning myself in water, and eating healthier from lack of options around the college. What really made the doctor realize the issue was when I mentioned I use to be 180 before even starting the Lamotragin.

The doctor gave me a couple options, but he wanted me to start trying Ziprasidone while lowering my Lamotragin.  He gave me some side effects to keep an eye out for about blood pressure, but mostly the others will subside in a couple days. I was OK with it all, and left with hope that we might have found something new.

A week later on a Friday night, I find out that this isn't going to be that easy. I had just gotten the new medication and popped a pill down right before bed. Within a few minutes, I was knocked out cold. This wouldn't be such a bad thing as sleeping is one of my biggest issue. It is the waking up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, and instead find your self leaning on the wall from a spinning dizzy episode. I was still spinning after making myself erect, and had to slowly walk back to the bed while still propping myself up on the wall. Scary, to say the lease, when you have no control on what your body is doing. 

The next morning, or should I say afternoon, I woke to find that my body wasn't going to do much of anything. It was like gravity was winning in getting the battle of who had control of my body. I got up to help with something, and found myself fall on the stairs from becoming dizzy. This continued for two days when i finally said "no more". I put the Ziprasidone on the shelf, and decided we will visit this again. For now, I had homework and a daughter to take care of. 

Side note: I was and am still taking Lamotragin at the lower dosage. Also, after talking to the doctor this week, we have both agreed to wait tell I am done with this quarter. Also, don't ever just stop medication without consulting your doctor. Many drugs can cause side effects that put you in the hospital if not tapered off correctly. As for now, I am stable. 

The Joy of Medication ( part one)

They don't say finding the right mix of medication is easy as pie. No far from it. In fact, the sling is "finding the right cocktail." A week ago I had an experience that reminded me why I get so scared when I am told I need a new medication. Every horror story where the person becomes a zombie or lunatic runs through my head. So why would I be open to trying something new?

For the last two years, the medication I was using just wasn't cutting it. I started fighting a physical depression and anxiety attacks. I didn't even really know what was going on tell my physical body could barely move from the depression physical depression. The VA Dr. in Sacramento tried to up the medication, but found it just made me a hot mess. She then added Lorazapam for the anxiety attack. I don't remember this really helping, but it did ease some of the pain. But in the long run, it stopped even doing that probably a year later.

Flash forward... I am here in Oregon, been seeing a great doctor who is very logical, and has me dialog many of my ups and downs. First thing he did was take me off the Lorazapam. he explained this should have never been part of my daily bases. More just to be used when the anxiety attacks where active. He then explained that he found it really isn't what bipolar people are needing for anxiety attacks. He wanted me to try a larger amount of the Lamotragin. What! Wait! But what about "hot mess"? She makes a lot of havoc in my life and i was just getting settled. It was explained that this was normal for the first few weeks, and he would bet that I just didn't wait long enough. 

He was right, until we went to full dose. >.< It was like oh wow I feel like i can breath and clear headed. It was like this for a month. I still had struggles, but all in all I was thinking we might have hit something.

AND THEN SNAP! 

She came out raging out of control. 

To be continued...

The Red Umbrella

This is just something I created for my business computer class. I call it The Red Umbrella. And for those of us who are BiPolar and have learned get past the bumps, this is probably a phrase we live by. During the hard time and when I know it is me rolling down, I dance! Sometime literally and sometimes figuratively. Dance.... I encourage everyone to dance no matter what they are facing.