Back to Real Life

I want to say my taking a break from blogging was for a good reason. I wish the reason was life got so busy with exciting things. Or maybe, I found the love of my life like an annoying romance novel. Sadly, none of these are the reason. The truth would be a mix of social anxiety, and a detour on the path. 

The social anxiety really took a strong hold at the end of 2013 when I got pneumonia and bronchitis. I spent the holidays and a few months after alone. Too scared that my family or friends would catch it, I kept to myself watching one too many documentaries and every series I had on my que. Being extremely bored and lonely, I found myself interested in seeing how the world of IMVU was. 

For those of you who don't know what IMVU is, it is a virtual world where people can role-play or just enjoy meeting other people through avitar form. It is easier described as like WoW without the game. Or what I always say, "a glorified chat room." I enjoyed getting to decorate rooms, being able to play music for others to enjoy, and making my avitar a form of myself. It is all a fantasy, but a nice fantasy to live when seclusion was taking it's tole. 

Around April of 2014, I found out my brother passed away. It hit me harder then I expected. He was too young to take his life. I could feel his pain, because I too have fought the demons. His pain was real for me.  The feeling of being so lost that death was the only option. These feeling left me even more internal, and sure that no one would understand I found solus in IMVU. 

I finally got to a place where I thought I could breath again, but soon caught whooping cough instead. This was ugly and long. Coughing, puking and no controle of my body left me too weak to do much. This lasted for a couple months. Even when I thought I was getting better, it lingered for sometime after. I, again, hid away not wanting anyone else to catch this nasty illness. 

If you kept track, your realizing that we are into fall of 2014 now. I had come accustom to living in my home and never leaving. My friends and family stopped seeing me more and more. I even think they were kind of shocked when they did get to see me. Sadly, these interactions were hard for me as there was always an on going anxiety attack. 

I am not sure if it is the social anxiety or the fact that IMVU had become part of my real life that has me wondering how I got here. What I do know is that I want something more then making pretty cyber furniture and living a cyber life. But, it has been so long that I don't know what I want. I just know I NEED to get healthier and to live life to the fullest. Something I told myself I would do while mourning my brother's death. It might be two years later, but I am pretty sure it's never too late to keep that promise. Now if I could just figure out how to live a real life, and where to start. 

Knowing who you are...

No one knows who you are except yourself. This is basic knowledge, especially for those who work in helping people every day.

People's character is created from a nature/nurture process that is either enforced or worked on through this thing we call life. Yes, life is the Teacher, the Sculptor, and at time our Judge. Our trials and errors are the lessons we learn. Our wins and joys are our victories. And when we had to deal with truths, we are the only ones who have the right answer. No how to book, personality quiz or big wig councilor will ever have the answers we seek in knowing ourselves.

But you do. We all do have the answers to the question of "Who are you?" We just have to stop long enough to listen to OURSELVES. Stop asking is this or that OK to a friend. Stop waiting to hear that significant other to tell you your worth. And as a mother of a teenager, save your self and stop waiting for that validation.

In the last couple weeks while still battling my fight in this dark depression, I have had to ask myself. Who am I? And then i think of my past, the friends I have and (thought it hard to see right now) the story of my life still yet untold.

One thing I know without a doubt. I am strong. When i was told it couldn't be done, I showed how it could be. When I was told to give up, I got back up. When I had nothing left in life, I still pulled myself up from the ashes and became strong again.

With that strength, came a strong sense of compassion. I have a wall around my heart that comes from letting the wrong people in. But even with that wall, I am able to hear someone's cry and heart beat. I can feel that with them and be there for them. I am there for them with an encouraging word, shoulder to cry on or to blow steam at. This type of caring is seen as weak in our world today. Sadly, I think we need more of it. We are a large world, but we all speak the same language when it comes to our hearts.

I love beauty of all forms. Be it in a piece of art or music, in the spring flowers blooming, or just watching my daughter grow into a mature woman. This who I am.

And for those who know my path, I am a goddess. I am the sweetness of the maiden, the strength of the mother and i have the wisdom of the crone. I am the passion of the lover and heart of the peace maker.

We know who we are when we stop and listen. I know who I am even if others see it differently. One thing I do know are those who stopped to listen to my heart, because they know me without ever asking "Who are you?"

It has been a year....

Yea a year has passed since I got on the phone with my dear sister and cried, and asked for guidance as my only option running in my head wasn't one I could choose. It is one no one can choose, but I truly couldn't see my way out.

Before going into that day, we need to look even one year prior. The day that set my life in motion. The day where if life had ever pulled the rug from under my feet and then just let me fall...This was that moment.

Life was go as far as I could see it. My kid was doing well, I had a great job that that I loved, and college was going great. The bipolar wasn't having many issues, and I was living a healthy active social life. I had a car with large payments, but everything else made it possible not to worry. My home was a great little town house with loud neighbors who were there for your kids if anything happened while at work. And this particular year, we were finally going to celebrate my daughter's birthday in no other place than Disneyland. (She never got to celebrate her birthday except for a small family dinner for two, because money was always too tight to celebrate.)

October 4, 2011 was the day I realized I wasn't going to get my Social Security check. Unknown to me, they had flagged me for working too many hours through Sears. Which in hindsight, was the truth. They were hours that got lost in confusion of keeping my job and where does the date of regulating ends or starts. With no notice of the ending of my main income, I wasn't able to afford my apartment or make car payments. With the promise that there would be more hours at work with me being able to work full time now, I tried to make ends meet. But the promise of hours weren't normally there. It at times was worse than even 20 hours. So I slowly started to lose things... my home, moving into a neighborhood that it wasn't safe for my daughter, and things got hard for her at school. We got to a point where I only had money for rent, food, or gas. And because of that, we went without electricity for a month. Collector's for the car were no longer just calling, but threatening me at work. And as time passed, they finally took the car.

I truly thought if I kept fighting: Keep looking for a better job, keep trying to have Social Security to see the mistake, or just keep going to make sure things meet. The fight of a Goddess would make everything right, but finally got to the point that I had to wait on Social Security to take what i gave in paperwork and figure things out. This while still calling to keep reminding them the importance. Also, I was continually trying for one job after another in Sears and other options with no results and lots of promises. So I stopped.... I stopped fighting and found myself slipping.

This is where you will find me back on the phone with my sister. "I can't hold on anymore." Without a second thought, my sister was telling me to get home where my family can help. That I can stay with her if needed. I was leery of only a few seconds and then realized that it was the only option. I still had obligations, and decided to finish with those first. And with what free time I had, started prepping for the move.

During this time, I went back to Social Security and let them know I couldn't hold down my job anymore and how much of a chance can I get back on. It wasn't an issue except for the paperwork. I also made plans where I could. With no car or money yet, this was limited. Through assistance of my mom, we were able to get a small moving truck and a little for gas.

I found this time to be at peace with where I was. Stopping a lot to remind myself things were ok just as they are. In the middle of chaos, I was where I was supposed to be, and that I would be able to make it.

There were a few friends who were there for me when i needed a good cry, but mostly I was on my own. It could have been because I needed to ask for help. But there was another side of me, who felt they would have been annoyed and frustrated not understanding. I didn't want pity, and I wasn't will to let other's use my needs as a sign of some kind of weakness. Instead, I bottled it for my own self to deal with.

When the final day came to move, we packed everything we could for the limited space and number of muscles assisting. This meant that some furniture was left behind, but we were happy with the essentials that made it. It was time to start over.

Since then, life has been a growing process. Learning to ask for help when PTSD or ego wanted to stop me for doing otherwise. Letting myself trust again in my family and friends. Learning to be open to both love and opportunities. I am far from where I was, and yet I am still learning. Learning to have a healthy life. I really didn't know what this year was going to bring, but I am glad it was filled with blessings.

Open Mouth Insert Foot

There is this phase in depression that is caused from low energy where what you say isn't what you mean. This tongue tied twister happens to everyone no matter if they have a mental set back or not. I use this knowledge by saying "Oops, I didn't mean that." The problem is when you have the problems topple on top of each other. And so, here is what is going on when someone with Bipolar is continually saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

There is a time in the low swing where everything moves slower. You're walking, you're talking, and even your thinking is in a different speed. You know those movies where everything is going VERY slow? Yea, that is the head and the energy of this physical depression. What is biologically going on when "open mouth insert foot" is something like a cause and effect gone wrong. First, there is a conversation going on or you have something to say. Your brain is telling you what to say, and mouth opens to say what the brain is saying. Because your brain is going slower than normal, your mouth keeps moving and words come out that never were even meant or known why they were said. With the brain too busy trying to make a complete thought, there is no filter to stop these other rambling words or phrase from passing your lips. Once your brain has stopped processing the thought, it now has time to process what you said. Yep and then the brain says, "Oh fuck!" It now knows only one way to fix it, and that is to admit the stupidity.

So when we are among people, we must communicate. It is the reason we gather with each other, and why we love being with each other. Sharing thoughts, laughter, and feelings is all part of being in this society. Many of the times I seem to mess up the most is with friends, because I just want to be part of their lives. I am sure in times of my past this foot in mouth might have been the cause of many issues, some hurts, and some break ups. And at times, I have said sorry when I knew it happened. And there are times, I don't even know what happened. I just hope they know they were someone who touched my life. And that if it was from something I said, I always hope that they are able to forgive me since a sorry would have quickly been given. 

The poison of this situation is when someone strongly believes that there must have been some truth in what I was saying. Because they have a limited viewpoint, they can't see the honest limitation I had. Or see how truly sorry I was. I sadly can't change that, and can't blame them for feeling validated in their feelings. Sadly, I have lost friends for this also. 

For some time this summer, I have had this return of "foot in mouth". I want the friends this has affected to know THANK YOU!!!! It is always amazing in my life when friends don't need reasons for mess ups. They just want to know you are sorry and go on with life. You guys are amazing. 

As for now, I am hoping the new medication will help bring back my energy. I am ready for this slow motion movie to come to an end. 

I Can't Concentrate!

I can't concentrate!

Oh did you say something?

Look another project half done.

I need to leave for another pointless errand.

I can't concentrate!

Even this poem will never be done....

When there is so much to say....

It has been sometime since there was a blog. It isn't from a lack of wanting to, but more that I am not sure where or what of the many things to say. There is the new medication, what it is like to date with bipolar, and the times when everyone hates you. But none of these subjects can I come to full comprehension. Not enough to complete a blog about it.

So I digress. At this time of life, it is like flying at the seat of my pants.  Not sure what the next day will bring. I either forget what I have planned, get too tired to do anything or have no ability to concentrate on the tasks to follow through. It is like losing my purpose in life or having the wind knocked out. I believe this is one of the ways manic looks like. It is that part of the roller coaster that scares me the most. Many bipolar people go off medication during this phase to ride the high. But instead, I cringe and hate the feeling of not being in control. I just know in the end... the higher I go up, the lower I fall. This isn't a fate a normal person would want. 

When the Door is Your Enemy

Those who don't understand how crippling depression can leave someone will find what I am going to talk about as being silly. Leaving the house is just one foot in front of another, right? Yea, no! Or at least not when your body is fighting your every action.

It didn't even phase me that my "not wanting to leave the house" was the side effect of the depression.  I didn't ever feel depressed, why would I think of that. This where I remind you there is a difference of feeling depressed and having physical depression, and why it isn't the first thing I think of.  

I did go out into the dark scary world as motherly and sisterly support with not realizing I was sliding down the hill. This happened to see my sister's art and daughter's play. Both times, I realised that even though I was happy and proud.... I was crawling in my skin completely uncomfortable. A good way to explain this would be to imagine that time when your in a room with lots of people but feel alone. Then you add stomach getting irritated,  hard to breath, mouth clutching, and heart racing at times. A constant fight or flight feeling. Or otherwise known as an anxiety attack.

I did finally call the doctor on Monday where I was advised my going up on the lamotrigine. If you remember from a previous blog, going up only made me an irritable bitch. Since the other option makes me a zombie, I am hoping he is correct and taking his advice. The Doctor's feelings are that I might have been dealing with more stress then I realized.  We will see.

I have been on the upper dose for three days now. And though the irritating bitch hasn't come back, my anxiety of leaving the house hasn't left. I have left the house though. I pushed myself out the door to my mother's the other day and went to the grocery store yesterday. On my walk to my parent's, I found that only a block and my body felt like a lead block. It was hard to move on and felt like my body was fighting it. Then yesterday at the grocery store, I would by-pass whole aisles that had too many people or just looked too stressful. If it wasn't for the need to eat, I would have stayed home.

As for things I missed out on, it breaks my heart. Last night, my daughter missed her Eighth grade dance. It was too hard for me to process the idea that I could have walked her to the school, grabbed coffee at the local coffee shop and then walked her back after it was all done. Logical thought, but far from reach at the moment.  I missed another sister's last performance of the year, and I missed out on getting to enjoy a free ticket to a Shakespeare play. Normally there would be nothing stopping me from going, and really hated that I did. To make my mom feel i was ok, I laughed it off and said "There is always next year."

So today, I have my daughter's graduation from Eighth grade. I want to say I am excited to see this. She has become an amazing young lady. But instead, I will be preparing myself to get ready and deal with being sardines in a gym in an uncomfortable chair. Today of all days, I truly wished I could just "snap out" of it as hearing those who have said it before ring in my head. 

**I, also, wanted to say thank you for those read and support this blog. It is wonderful to see so many wanting to know more and to educate others. It is also a lovely reminder that I have you guys when I go through days like today. So, thank you.