When it rains, it pours.

"When it rains it pours" is the way my life sometime falls. Now do I feel my disability is an excuse for half the shit I have to deal with? No, but it doesn't help any either. When a road block happens in my life, I freeze. I find every way either not to deal with it, find the fastest way to deal with it, or hide and become self absorbed. These all have weird ways of never getting the job done right.

Not dealing with the issue is sometimes the easiest. If dealt with, things might come up that I need even more work with. Why put myself in a conflict situation? Why put myself in that kind of stress if just letting it go seems the best way to deal? It is so easily flows from many with "Let go and let God" or for us pagans "Let go and let Goddess." It is kind of a fluffy feel good way of dealing with stuff. But the truth is, sometimes things can't be ignored. The issue will still be there when you wake-up and are forced to deal with it.

Ok so if I can't ignore it, then what is the fastest way to make this end. It's the plow over mode, and is usually when I try to use my anger and great arguing techniques to get what I want. Only because deep down I don't want to deal with conflict; not because i really don't like the person. unfortunately this usually leaves some kind of mess.

The truth is deep down finding a hole and hiding in there is so much more comfortable. Try to pretend like there isn't an issue. Beat myself up as I find the issue becomes so complex that I can't see a way out. This spirals to a feeling lose, confusion, and a huge amount of self doubt. This is when I hear the voice of doubt say "see it will never work out", "you will always be a fuck-up", or "life will never be what you want".

Where and why have I become like this, you ask? Each day takes energy to work, to study, to keep straight in life. When dealing with depression or manic, I have come to realize that if I want to make it to the end of the day there needs to be a concern of where I put all that energy. Stress, especially extreme stress, can eat up all that energy and so my daughter and the rest of my responsibilities get left behind.

So here I am, trying not to hide.

PS... This post has nothing to do with the beautiful festival that others are totally helping with. I just had some parts of my personal life fall apart. :) 

Just Folding Clothes

Yesterday, I was waiting for a tow truck. (Yes, the new car is having issues and finally broke down when I had money.) So while waiting, I decided to be productive and attack the pile of clothing on my couch. It was a shirt. Just one shirt... fold one... fold two... put on couch. My arms became lead and thinking of pushing through the fatigue was too stressful with everything else going on.

This is no biggy for a normal person, but it tears me apart not being able to finish a basic activity as folding clothes. I even remember a time when clothes folding was my place of Zen. The processes of folding clothes and not required to think of anything but breathing and folding made the task easy to meditate in the presence.

Even with the stress of the car, I was in a good place. A dear friend was there to support me in getting the car stuff done and just enjoying each others company. So why the physical reaction? Well for the last couple of months I have realized that I have been dealing with a slow spiral down with physical depression. Folding clothes is just the basic of them all. I'll get spurts of energy, so I didn't realize how exhausted I had become by just doing everyday stuff.

The hardest part is I know what I need to do to be able to have that energy again. It's exercise, but the irony is I have no energy to do even that. Can you imagine trying to walk if I can't even finish folding a pile of clothes? Yea. :S

I did go to the doctor two months ago for medication change, since I knew I was off. But unfortunately the medication had an adverse reaction with my body. I will be hitting the pavement for another kind come Monday. But until then, I have to work through everything.

My blessings right now.... I don't have school, so I am able to only have to worry about work, my car, and my daughter starting her first year of Jr. High.

  

Namaste to all you wonderful readers.

Welcome...

Well, hi. So yea, I'm Bi-polar. No one would know if they first met me. I have a job that I have had for 4 years, I have a well adjusted kid, live on my own and pay my own bills. Oh and did we mention I have been going to school and a single parent? It is alot. At times, it is too much. But being someone just meeting me, you would still never know that on top of all that I have a mental condition that effects me day in and day out.

I was diagnosed Bi-polar soon after giving birth to a beautiful daughter. As normal, their first thought was postpartum depression. This was quickly fixed when they realized the medication was creating me to be an irritable bitch. My poor husband at the time. I am sure at some point he felt like he was loosing his mind too. So once I was diagnosed BP, I was put through 4 years of medication adjustment. At one point, I was taking four different kinds, because each to help the side effect of another. Through that time of no sleep, too much sleep, feeling worse, not feeling at all, or spending money like it was water, I ended up in a psych-ward three times.

Wow, there I said it. There are people who are really close to me who didn't even know that, but I have to be completely honest here. Why? Because you can't possibly understand what things go on to someone with Bi-polar if I don't tell the stuff I try to keep even from myself. This was part of the ugly.

Finally after a divorce and the ending of an engagement with a second guy, I stopped all my medication. And yep, all the confusion in my head just went away. I learned many more holistic ways of healing myself. The biggest being just take time to take care of myself. (You'll find out in a different post this isn't always so easy.) I moved to Ashland, OR to finally be close to my family again, and really got my shit together. My daughter lived with her father, so it was pretty easy going to school and take care of myself. After about two years, anxiety started controlling my life again. It took me three visits before I realized the nurse I was blessed with knew exactly what she was doing and really did care. So I went back on medication. Slowly and on a very low dosage.

I have been on this same medication for about 5 years now, and am just now going back for an adjustment.

So this is my story, there will be more to come. More details, more feelings, and hopefully for both the readers and I a clearer idea of what is going on to those who deal with this diagnoses everyday. I am hoping to use other's stories as time goes on, since one perspective never gives a fully rounded view. I also want it noted that I have studied mental illness in both a hobby format and in college, since psychology is an interesting complex study just ready for all the questions I have. I am no expert! And no where will I say I am. Nor will I ever diagnose or tell you what you should do. And more then anything, I believe we should all become fully informed, but also know that Doctors do have our best interest in mind.

I also encourage others to post, but there are limits. This isn't an open forum, so criticism is limited. But support is always encouraged. In a way this is a safe haven. I will be opening up thoughts and feelings that i keep under a VERY BIG LOCK, and I want others to know they are safe to do the same.

So, Welcome.... this should be interesting. Oh and ps... I know I am rusty in my sentence flow, so please be forgiving. :D