2018.... started in the roughest way. I was on the side of the road ready to plan my exit to this world.
Let me explain why I was there. I was breaking down from all the stress life was giving, and at the time how much my anxiety was clouding what was really going on. With continual breakdowns through the holiday seasons, I finally got to a point that I wasn't able to justify why to continue. I was even sure that my daughter would be better off not having a mom who was loosing it. And, luckily before making the plans, I drove my ass to the Dr's. Shaking and crying the whole way I was holding on that last thread of the string. Halfway there the Dr called and told me to pull over to a safe place. I told him my whole hopeless story. That the job I thought I loved was overloading me, that I was losing it on my kid for trying to grow up and that I saw no hope of getting out of living in poverty. He told me we are going to start with adjusting my medication and in a couple weeks we will see next what we need to do. He, also, told me that it might be time to look for another career field.
I went home and rested. Letting the medication take the edge off the anxiety. As soon as I had strength and went back to work, I started working on finding out about my debt. Which i found out was paid off. That, infact, was paid off a month prior just no one told my job. It was like a huge brick left. And soon after that, doors flew open. I found out I could go back to school, and was offered a job in the medical field. So there is when life started to change.
I must say much of the changes would not have happened if I didn't surround myself with a group of woman who supported me and encouraged me even when I started stressing. They will always be sisters of my heart... my hive.
To make these changes work, I had to break some beliefs I had about myself. I had to find a new way to see those things blocking me from being all I am meant to be. So in digesting what all happened in 2018, here were the old beliefs that no longer have a place in my world:
* That I can't handle a full time job.
* That I was only good for business field.
* That I can't make enough money to have a good life.
* That I can't lose weight or ever feel healthy again.
* That I will never be able to enjoy the things I use to, because of my limitations with social anxiety.
* That I am not good enough.
Beyond those, the hardest thing I needed to do was learn to forgive myself. Forgive myself to get to a point that would leave so many hurt. Forgive myself for not loving myself enough and letting me get to the point of wanting to end it all. Forgive myself for expecting stuff out of me that no normal human could be. And then to turn around and love myself enough to start taking care of myself.
So I end this year, 20 lbs lighter, working as a patient registration full-time, going out on adventures each time I can with my amazing daughter, and living a life! This year truly was a year of manifesting and the universe was right next to me telling me to just trust her. That there is a plan she has and this is just the beginning. Thank you, thank you, thank you, my higher being! I have truly been overly blessed last year! I can't wait to see what next year has for me.
