Yea a year has passed since I got on the phone with my dear sister and cried, and asked for guidance as my only option running in my head wasn't one I could choose. It is one no one can choose, but I truly couldn't see my way out.
Before going into that day, we need to look even one year prior. The day that set my life in motion. The day where if life had ever pulled the rug from under my feet and then just let me fall...This was that moment.
Life was go as far as I could see it. My kid was doing well, I had a great job that that I loved, and college was going great. The bipolar wasn't having many issues, and I was living a healthy active social life. I had a car with large payments, but everything else made it possible not to worry. My home was a great little town house with loud neighbors who were there for your kids if anything happened while at work. And this particular year, we were finally going to celebrate my daughter's birthday in no other place than Disneyland. (She never got to celebrate her birthday except for a small family dinner for two, because money was always too tight to celebrate.)
October 4, 2011 was the day I realized I wasn't going to get my Social Security check. Unknown to me, they had flagged me for working too many hours through Sears. Which in hindsight, was the truth. They were hours that got lost in confusion of keeping my job and where does the date of regulating ends or starts. With no notice of the ending of my main income, I wasn't able to afford my apartment or make car payments. With the promise that there would be more hours at work with me being able to work full time now, I tried to make ends meet. But the promise of hours weren't normally there. It at times was worse than even 20 hours. So I slowly started to lose things... my home, moving into a neighborhood that it wasn't safe for my daughter, and things got hard for her at school. We got to a point where I only had money for rent, food, or gas. And because of that, we went without electricity for a month. Collector's for the car were no longer just calling, but threatening me at work. And as time passed, they finally took the car.
I truly thought if I kept fighting: Keep looking for a better job, keep trying to have Social Security to see the mistake, or just keep going to make sure things meet. The fight of a Goddess would make everything right, but finally got to the point that I had to wait on Social Security to take what i gave in paperwork and figure things out. This while still calling to keep reminding them the importance. Also, I was continually trying for one job after another in Sears and other options with no results and lots of promises. So I stopped.... I stopped fighting and found myself slipping.
This is where you will find me back on the phone with my sister. "I can't hold on anymore." Without a second thought, my sister was telling me to get home where my family can help. That I can stay with her if needed. I was leery of only a few seconds and then realized that it was the only option. I still had obligations, and decided to finish with those first. And with what free time I had, started prepping for the move.
During this time, I went back to Social Security and let them know I couldn't hold down my job anymore and how much of a chance can I get back on. It wasn't an issue except for the paperwork. I also made plans where I could. With no car or money yet, this was limited. Through assistance of my mom, we were able to get a small moving truck and a little for gas.
I found this time to be at peace with where I was. Stopping a lot to remind myself things were ok just as they are. In the middle of chaos, I was where I was supposed to be, and that I would be able to make it.
There were a few friends who were there for me when i needed a good cry, but mostly I was on my own. It could have been because I needed to ask for help. But there was another side of me, who felt they would have been annoyed and frustrated not understanding. I didn't want pity, and I wasn't will to let other's use my needs as a sign of some kind of weakness. Instead, I bottled it for my own self to deal with.
When the final day came to move, we packed everything we could for the limited space and number of muscles assisting. This meant that some furniture was left behind, but we were happy with the essentials that made it. It was time to start over.
Since then, life has been a growing process. Learning to ask for help when PTSD or ego wanted to stop me for doing otherwise. Letting myself trust again in my family and friends. Learning to be open to both love and opportunities. I am far from where I was, and yet I am still learning. Learning to have a healthy life. I really didn't know what this year was going to bring, but I am glad it was filled with blessings.
